Today’s Motherhood

Question : My 4 year old girl has been very defiant. She has been purposely doing things that we do not like her to do. When her baby sister is sleeping, she will tend to make more noise or shout. Sometimes, she would choose to do the opposite from the instructions given to her. I am getting impatient. What should we do? How to handle defiant children?

Answer : Your little girl is trying to send you a clear message: “Mommy - I don’t feel like I am important to you.” This is why she is misbehaving and trying to frustrate you.

When you get impatient or react to her, most of the time, you will not be able to pay attention to other things around you e.g. your youngest child. For that split second, your 4 year old has mommy’s undivided attention - even if it is obtained in a negative way.

It is important for you not to “lose your cool” so that you can calmly let her know how you would like her to express her needs and desires more appropriately.

In addition, you can give your daughter extra time once a week. During this time, she gets to spend time with you or dad without any other distractions. This time does not have to be long in duration but should consist of quality interactions or activities that she enjoys.

Vanessa von Auer
Clinic Director/Psychologist
MA (Counseling), B.A. Psychology (hons.), EMDR

Vanessa von Auer is the Clinic Director/Psychologist of Von Auer Psychology Centre VAPC. She has spent her career helping parents learn effective parenting strategies, has helped children process their emotional difficulties in healthy ways and has helped families grower closer in their dynamics with one another. For more information, visit www.vapc.sg

Question: My 7 year old child keeps telling lies. I have tried both scolding and giving reasons not to lie but it can’t work. What else can I do?

Answer: Scolding and lecturing only work temporarily. If you want to ensure that your child learns to be an honest human being we first have play “detective”. This detective will need to identify the reason a.k.a. trigger for your child’s habitual lying. Behavior, in children especially, is a form of communication.

So ask yourself - What is your child trying to tell/show you by lying to you? It may be that your child is trying to avoid punishment, or he may trying to gain a sense of control over his environment, protect someone or he may be lying to get your sole attention as he knows that you will spend time punishing or lecturing him. Some studies have also found that children lie because they have seen their parents engaging in white lies to in-laws, telemarketers, etc., and then copy them.

Before we move onto the “action plan” phase, you need to acept that, generally, lying is normal among children and often developmentall appropriate. Although, most children lie one time or another, it is best to address this behavior because if you don’t a likelihood that your child will grow “into lying habits” exists.

A helpful action plan to teach your child that lying is not acceptable follows:

1. Model truthful behavior. Catch yourself before you tell a white lie to your friend, realtives or a saleperson (e.g., “Im sorry I am terribly sick” in order to avoid catching up with an irritating acquaintance) in front of your child.

2. Once you have identified the trigger for lying, i.e. lying to boost his self-esteem, help your child come up with a better solution. You could enroll your child in an activity he does very well in to boost his confidence for example.

3. Make sure you do not reward your child for lying. You may not even know that you are doing so. Your child may lie to get something he wants – ensure you check the facts before giving into his wants.

4. Don’t shame children. Don’t shame your child when he makes mistakes or doesn’t do well at school. This will only teach him to lie to avoid being shamed or feeling guilty.

5. Reward truthfulness. Say “Wow – I know that must have been hard to tell me. I am very proud of you that you told the truth”.

6. Catch your children’s lie in a matter of fact tone (do not punish). Say something like “oops, I’m not sure that is the real story” or “hmmm, do you want to think about that again and tell me what really happened?”. Give your child a chance to tell you the truth. By giving him this chance he will also begin to learn that telling the truth will not get him in trouble, which will therefore decrease his lying.

Therefore, remember, if you want your child to change his behavior, it is important that you also change your responses to him. Once he feels comfortable to tell the truth, his bad habit of lying will decrease significantly.

Vanessa von Auer
Clinic Director/Psychologist
MA (Counseling), B.A. Psychology (hons.), EMDR

Vanessa von Auer is the Clinic Director/Psychologist of Von Auer Psychology Centre VAPC. She has spent her career helping parents learn effective parenting strategies, has helped children process their emotional difficulties in healthy ways and has helped families grower closer in their dynamics with one another. For more information, visit www.vapc.sg

Question : My 5 years old girl, has been behaving weirdly for the past 2 months in Child Care. She refuses to sit during lesson, scolds the teacher who tries to talk to her nicely, locks herself in toilet, dozes off during lesson, not attentive. sometimes she even tries to run away from lesson. Does my child have ADHD or emo behaviour? Please advice. thanks a lot.

Answer : Typically, children who are diagnosed with ADHD would have already been demonstrating symptoms of it since toddlerhood. There are three variations of ADHD (ADHD-Inattentive type, ADHD- Hyperactive-Impulsive type, ADHD - Combined type). But the most common symptoms of ADHD include but are not exclusive of:

• inattention/distractability
• hyperactivity
• impulsive

A diagnosis can only be given if your daughter is fully assessed. However, if you have only recently started noticing these behavioral symptoms in your daughter, it is best to discuss these behaviors with her teachers.

Perhaps she is under or over-stimulated in class, perhaps she’s not resting well at night, perhaps she is lashing out with behaviors because something has happened in her social circle, perhaps she is having a difficult time learning, etc.

There are many “theories” why a child acts the way she does. The important part as a parent is to identify the trigger of her behaviors and to understand the purpose of it. Most behaviors have a reason.

If the behaviors continue and are impairing her daily interactions with teachers, friends as well as her ability to learn, then it is best to seek professional assistance. It may be necessary to assess her to understand how to best support her.

Vanessa von Auer
Clinic Director/Psychologist
MA (Counseling), B.A. Psychology (hons.), EMDR

Vanessa von Auer is the Clinic Director/Psychologist of Von Auer Psychology Centre VAPC. She has spent her career helping parents learn effective parenting strategies, has helped children process their emotional difficulties in healthy ways and has helped families grower closer in their dynamics with one another. For more information, visit www.vapc.sg

Question:

How do I get my boy (turning 4) next yr to be interested in alphabets and numbers? His attention span is short so I need suggestion which are fast so he doesn’t get bored.

Answer:

You may like to start off by creating interesting and exciting games for your boy. You may like to have activities which are similar to games for your child to have fun while learning.

One of my favourite all time games would be SNAP you can replace it with numbers and alphabets.

The next game that you may like to try would be Treasure (Numbers/Alphabets) Hunt. First, hide some alphabets in the living room. Have your child to hunt for cards that have alphabets on them, once he found the alphabets, help him recognize the alphabets / numbers; and remember to praise your child for doing a great job!

Ms. Cynthia Lee has been in the Early Childhood Education sector for the past ten years. Her portfolio consists of being a principal at ChildFirst @Mountbatten; and setting up of pre schools. She believes in creating an educational environment that fosters a “love for learning” and a commitment to life-long learning. Ms. Cynthia Lee conducts numerous workshops; and has been a guest lecturer for AECES and Ngee Ann Polytechnic.

Question on Attention Seeking Child:

My son is 3 years old. He is a very well behaved child and everyone praises him for that. But when his dad comes home, that is every 15 days or so for a week or so, he transforms into a totally different child. He gets so ill behaved, he spits, laughs out wildly, hits his sister (6 yrs) and me, and cries so readily.

I just say “Stop that” and there he goes loudly with his crocodile tears and his dad comes running shouting at us. Yes, his dad loves him a lot and shouts at anyone. He was brought up without any manners taught. I don’t want my child to become like that. I work very hard at character development, and it works till the dad comes.

After he comes everything will be shattered. And you know what my husband says boldly,” What kind of mother are you? You tell me I don’t have manners, what have you taught the kids?”

I need help. What can I do?

P.S. His dad and I are not divorced. He works away so he comes home every 15 days. Thank you.

Answer: Your son knows how to behave when dad gets back to get all of his undivided attention. Because your husband only sees your family every two weeks, your son craves his father’s attention and does not at that moment care about consequences to you and his sister.

Typically, it is tough to help a young child understand what is okay or what is not okay if both parents do not parent as a team. Therefore, the first line of action would be for your husband and you to sort things out between the two of you (or seek some professional assistance through counselling).

Thereafter you could address your son’s behavior with your son by referring to your own feelings i.e. “When you hit your sister, it hurts her feelings as well as mine”. Ensure that you describe such statements every time he hurts someone.

When he is loving and gentle make sure to emphasize these actions with a lot of attention. That way your son will understand that he achieves much more attention from everyone when he treats others well.

Vanessa von Auer is the Clinic Director/Psychologist of Von Auer Psychology Centre VAPC. She has spent her career helping parents learn effective parenting strategies, has helped children process their emotional difficulties in healthy ways and has helped families grower closer in their dynamics with one another. For more information, visit www.vapc.sg

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