Today’s Motherhood

Question on Attention Seeking Child:

My son is 3 years old. He is a very well behaved child and everyone praises him for that. But when his dad comes home, that is every 15 days or so for a week or so, he transforms into a totally different child. He gets so ill behaved, he spits, laughs out wildly, hits his sister (6 yrs) and me, and cries so readily.

I just say “Stop that” and there he goes loudly with his crocodile tears and his dad comes running shouting at us. Yes, his dad loves him a lot and shouts at anyone. He was brought up without any manners taught. I don’t want my child to become like that. I work very hard at character development, and it works till the dad comes.

After he comes everything will be shattered. And you know what my husband says boldly,” What kind of mother are you? You tell me I don’t have manners, what have you taught the kids?”

I need help. What can I do?

P.S. His dad and I are not divorced. He works away so he comes home every 15 days. Thank you.

Answer: Your son knows how to behave when dad gets back to get all of his undivided attention. Because your husband only sees your family every two weeks, your son craves his father’s attention and does not at that moment care about consequences to you and his sister.

Typically, it is tough to help a young child understand what is okay or what is not okay if both parents do not parent as a team. Therefore, the first line of action would be for your husband and you to sort things out between the two of you (or seek some professional assistance through counselling).

Thereafter you could address your son’s behavior with your son by referring to your own feelings i.e. “When you hit your sister, it hurts her feelings as well as mine”. Ensure that you describe such statements every time he hurts someone.

When he is loving and gentle make sure to emphasize these actions with a lot of attention. That way your son will understand that he achieves much more attention from everyone when he treats others well.

Vanessa von Auer is the Clinic Director/Psychologist of Von Auer Psychology Centre VAPC. She has spent her career helping parents learn effective parenting strategies, has helped children process their emotional difficulties in healthy ways and has helped families grower closer in their dynamics with one another. For more information, visit www.vapc.sg

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Question on Violent Behavior in Kids

Hi I have a 27 months old girl, she is very intelligent but she has kind of violent behavior towards other children. She will attack (pinch, pull or slap) children who are around her. This problem started when she was about 20 months old.

Now she is attending playgroup for the past two weeks but she was made to sit away from the rest. I was pretty upset about that but I knew there no other choice to prevent her from hurting others. I am very lost. Please give me some advise on this.

Answer:

Your little girl is testing boundaries and attempting to understand how to interact with peers socially. She is currently at a developmental stage, which is known as the “autonomy versus shame & doubt” stage.

In this stage, children exert their will and are determined to exert control over various situations. They do so to learn what is socially acceptable and what is not. This type of boundary testing also helps children develop into a confident and in-control individual.

While all children go through this developmental stage, your daughter may be doing so somewhat differently to her peers by being excessively aggressive. It is very important to nip the problem behaviors in the bud now. This can be done by meeting with her teachers at playgroup and discussing behavioral modification techniques, which should be implemented not only in playgroup but at home.

It is vital for you to be consistent in all environments your daughter finds herself in. If you are inconsistent with parenting then she will get mixed messages.

Vanessa von Auer is the Clinic Director/Psychologist of Von Auer Psychology Centre VAPC. She has spent her career helping parents learn effective parenting strategies, has helped children process their emotional difficulties in healthy ways and has helped families grower closer in their dynamics with one another. For more information, visit www.vapc.sg

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Question on Child Behavior Problems : My daughter has being this way since she was maybe 3 months or so. She tends to cry whenever she sees me. When i carry her she is okay, when my mum takes care of her, she is okay until she sees my face. When i come home after work she follows me wherever i go. I’m abit worried. Otherwise she is friendly towards everyone and anyone. Please advise. Thank you.

Answer : At the age of 3 months, its not easy for a child to express how much she or he misses their parents. The only way they can do it is by throwing tantrums or crying, their only mode of expressions.

Please remember that she recognises you as her mum and a very familiar figure and that is why she is all over you the moment you are with her. You are in the safe side as long as while you are not around, she still mingles with others and she is still friendly.

There has been cases where the child will refuse to go to anyone except their mums, and this will make the mum stressful because they can’t even leave the child with any baby sitter not even the grandparents. So your gal is ok. Do not fret!

At the end of the day, enjoy the time she is clinging on to you. Because when she starts getting independent one day and does not come to as often as she does now, you will start to miss her. I miss mine!
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Question on Child Behavior Problems: I am a housewife looking after my 20 month old girl. My girl is very cranky and clings to me. It is very difficult for me to complete my household chores and even harder to go toilet. When my girl takes nap in the afternoon,  sometimes she is very adamant to sleep on my shoulder.

This makes me stressful and tired and my shoulders hurts. I don’t have any help from my family members. Sometimes I feel like asking my mum to take care for me while I run to work. My girl expects me to be around her every time even when playing. I need some time and I want my kid to be independent. How do I handle my kid?

Please advice me on this.

Answer : What your daughter is going through is a common but limited phase of child development. Many children strongly prefer one parent over every other person in the world for a brief period of time. Usually they prefer their mothers for a period (ranging in length from approximately one month to several months) during the later part of their first year.

During this particular time her desire for you is especially intense, as she is in the midst of a developmental phase characterized by separation anxiety. Often after children grow out of this stage, they will prefer their fathers over everyone else on the face of the earth. Generally the period they attach to their fathers is shorter than the period when only their mothers can make the world a better place.

Don’t try to get too much done during the periods you are alone with your daughter. Use this time to build an even stronger relationship between the two of you. Adjust the family dinner time so that you don’t start cooking until after your husband has come home so that he can take over with her. Get your husband or another responsible adult take your daughter out of the house for an hour or so each day so that you can have a little time to do the things you need and want to do without her crying to be picked up.

If you really want or need to go somewhere, eg. family functions, gatherings etc, consider hiring a babysitter for the evening. As long as you are spending focused quality time with your daughter each day, it’s okay to get a sitter occasionally in the evening, or any time of the day which you think is useful to you.It’s okay to let her cry sometimes. If you keep picking her up each time she cries for you, she will use this as an advantage to get you to be by her side all the time. You must make her understand through your actions sometimes that you love her but right now, there is something else you need to do.

I do not know if this is a correct time for me to say this but if I were you, I will enjoy this moment to its peak. Because I know one day, my daughter will be a grown-up and when she is very much independent then, she will not need me as much as she does now! I will miss her badly!

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Question on Toddler Tantrums:

My elder boy is coming to 21 months old. He likes to throw or mess up things, cry, scream or beat us after he is tired of playing. He also gets angry when we say NO. It’s not only happening at home, but also in the public. We explained to him and even tried to punish him by facing the wall but things are still the same. What should we do?

Answers:

Priya: What your little one is having is the typical case of toddler tantrums, which is common as he reaches 24 mths, or rather the “Terrible Two” phase. A little backtrack is needed here. When was the first time he did such a thing? And how did you react? I know of parents who have laughed at and teased the child when he did it the first time; and then started getting annoyed when he repeated his actions as days went by.

At your son’s age, kids love reactions, so he does get a bit violent because he wants to see your reaction. If you had shown an unfavourable reaction when he first did that, chances are, he would not have repeated them; or maybe you would have shown disagreement with his behaviour, but what if others e.g. grandparents or aunties and uncles have not?

The little boy will start to wonder why it was okay the first time and not now; or why grandma and grandpa are okay about it, but not mum and dad. As a very young child, such thoughts can further stress a child up. So that may be the reason for his repeated violent behavior.

Time-outs are okay but make sure they do not go further than 1.5 minutes. The next time he does that, e.g throws a toy, pack up all his toys and no matter how hard he tries, do not give it to him. If he hits you, ignore him. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Each and everytime he gets violent and you keep giving in, he thinks that’s the way to get things done his way.

Alternatively, you parents can stage up a little act everyday to show him how to behave. For e.g, Mummy passes Daddy a towel and Daddy says “Thank you”; and Mummy accidentally throws a cup on the ground and when Daddy ‘disciplines’ Mummy, Mummy says “Sorry”!

All these may sound and look very melodramatic but you will be surprised at the effect it has on your child, who is at an age where the brain is like a sponge and easily absorbs everything he hears or says.

Little Neuro Tree: When you adopt a certain way of punishing a child and the behaviour remains, it is telling you that the punishment does not work. Try positive discipline where expectations are communicated to the child and achievable goals are set to help mould the child’s behaviour in the right direction.

Model the correct behaviour. For example, keeping the toys together after the child is tired of playing and as you are keeping the toys, you can sing Barney’s “Clean Up” song. Teach your child to communicate what he’s angry about instead of hitting someone. Provide alternatives and choices, instead of just saying “No” to his demands or work towards a compromise.

Remember to shower lots of praises for good behaviours. Celebrate little successes and make the child feel good. I’m sure your child seeks your love and approval. You need to guide him in the right direction. Sometimes, ignoring bad behaviour may help but make sure that you are watching him to ensure safety. He could also be acting up because he has to share your attention with the younger sibling. Make sure you spend some time with him and include him and also help him to bond with the younger sibling by doing things together.

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